You’ve seen the Formula 1-based AI video with its graphical assault, right? Pope Francis has died, Donald Trump wore a blue suit at his funeral, now it’s time to find a successor.
As much as Trump might think he’s the best man for the job, Frankie Boyle, if you’ll remember, had him as not just the worst man for the job of President of the United States of America, but potentially the worst mammal, and that would likely apply here too. Instead, the runners and riders have been set out by more qualified people than me, and there are favourites.
It’s gotta be a man and he’s gotta be baptised Catholic - tick and tick. And, if myths are to be believed, there’ll be an inspection on the former, and the Church has quite an anatomical bent to its classification.
Likely, he’ll be a cardinal, but beyond that, who knows which way the Conclave - 133 cardinals discussing, debating and, eventually, deciding - will go.
The chat had been that it is time for an Italian next, but Pope Francis kind of covered that, and now the thinking puts things much more in the air. Cardinals (Pietro) Parolin, (Matteo) Zuppi, (Angelo) Scola and (Pierbattista) Pizzaballa are Italian, and up there, but Asia’s represented by Cardinals (Luis Antonio Gokim) Tagle, (Charles Maung) Bo and (Pablo Virgilio) David, Africa by Cardinals (Peter Kodwo Appiah) Turkson, (Fridolin Ambongo) Besungu and (Robert) Sarah, and America, of course, by Cardinal (Donald John) Tru- sorry, by Cardinals (Robert) Prevost and (Joseph) Tobin.
Does the Church go in the supposed, but certainly not exclusively, “progressive” direction that Pope Francis had steered it? Or revert to a more hardline conservatism? That, along with age considerations, will inform the criteria used to decide upon the right man for the job - by people, let’s not forget, largely put in place by Francis.
Hungarian Cardinal (Peter) Erdo? Maltese Cardinal (Mario) Grech? German Cardinal (Reinhard) Marx (!)? Canadian Cardinals (Marc) Ouellet or (Michael) Czerny?
My boy, as I’m sure you’ve been waiting to have confirmed, is, regardless of his politics or his vision - I did check, and they’re not “bad”, relatively speaking - Frenchman Cardinal (Jean-Marc) Aveline. His background is freakishly similar to some of my forebears’, so I have little choice in the matter.
There has even been a shout for Dwayne Johnson - they’d have to check he’s Catholic - because, well, OG pope St Peter was, if the consensus on translation and interpretation is to be believed, the rock that the Church was built on, and how about The Rock… Well, probably not.
Regardless, white smoke will come from the Vatican’s Sistine Chapel at some undetermined point, or maybe this time it’ll be a new and radical equivalent emanating from a vaping moderniser. As long as he’s Catholic and male, who are we to dispute it?
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